just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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