Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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