I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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