I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
