Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Randomize
