Will you blow on my dice?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
