got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
