I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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