I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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