there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
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It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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