Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
