but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
