no, he came in my armpit
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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