This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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