i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
