Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Found your dick twin last night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
