Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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