for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
