I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
