I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
