I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My ass is underappreciated
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
