Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
