Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
