this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
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Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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