he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
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You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
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Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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