My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just puked most of my soul out..
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
