I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
