i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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