I just pynch a tree in the face
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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