I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
