Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
