I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
