so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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