What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
