There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
