I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
