Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
