i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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