got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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