Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
