I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
