2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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