he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
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Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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