The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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