I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
