Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
