so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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