So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Watching her eat just hurts me
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
