Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
