I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My ass is underappreciated
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
