I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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