You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
