She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
