sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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